You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know
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A few years back, Volkswagen of America employed the late Al Swenson. Al was handsome, articulate, and quite a showman. He ran their training department and was a valued client of our firm. When asked why we needed to train VW dealers on a particular topic, he would routinely respond that they needed to learn things many of them had never even considered before. That could include instruction in areas like sales performance, the power of referrals, or how important the first 10 seconds are when a customer walks up to them.
He said they needed to be given that information because, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”
Initially, I rejected it as a ridiculous saying. Over time, though, I’ve come to appreciate it, realizing that I really didn’t know what I didn’t know. But I do now—or at least I know better than I did. I want to share how this impacts our personal and professional lives every…single…day.
During COVID-19, our firm rallied together to fight through shutdowns, shrinking client budgets, and a pervasive fear felt by all. The media was filled with horror stories and death counts, and many of us watched family members get sick, while others had spouses who suddenly lost their jobs.
As I worked to rally our team to fight the impact of the pandemic, I routinely witnessed some people responding with what seemed like negativity or, at times, disinterest. Then I had a one-on-one conversation with a key team member who had been acting strangely. That’s when I learned that his aging mother was critically ill. He was overwhelmed and panicked, trying to decide whether to care for her in his home or take her to a facility, where he and his family would be unable to see her.
Seeing the tears in his eyes and hearing his voice tremble, I realized I had gotten it wrong. I had assumed he wasn’t buying into our battle plan to fight our way through COVID. But in truth, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. That realization changed my attitude toward him. I focused on supporting him through his situation, and I also reminded our team that people are often dealing with struggles we cannot see, but are very real to them.
I was reminded of that lesson again just in the last week when I met with a renowned physician. The last time we spoke, he was brilliant, handsome, energetic, and seemingly unstoppable. This time, he was recovering from surgery, weakened from the ordeal, and hopefully on the mend. He was also brave and optimistic, looking ahead to seeing patients again soon. The business topic we were going to discuss was no longer important; his situation was. We talked openly about what he was experiencing and about his need to regain his strength so he could fulfill his mission of helping others.
A few days later, another follow-up call further opened my eyes to challenges I had no idea a client was facing. After the initial hello, we talked briefly about something many of us think about as we get older: how to stay healthy and in shape as we age. That’s when he shared that he had undergone dialysis and two organ transplants over the last few years. Once again, the business conversation took a back seat as he talked about his struggles in a calm, confident, and touching way.
In these two situations, the Al Swenson saying rang true. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I never could have guessed what was going on in the lives of these two leaders, but fortunately they shared their stories, and because they did, I learned.
When I was in my rock-and-roll band, I wrote a song called Imperfect World. It was inspired by three people whose lives were far from perfect: an older man who had been ridiculed and was facing his last day, based on my father’s life; a young woman who was left to tend to her newborn baby alone; and the singer who admits every relationship he has is imperfect.
The chorus is simple but makes a statement: It’s an Imperfect World, But It’s All We’ve Got.
Ultimately, this is an imperfect world, but it becomes a much better place when we make the effort to understand what other people are going through. You can download and listen to the song here.
Difference-Maker #1: Assume your assumptions are wrong.
A good friend and business consultant, Bruce Hodes, told me to stop guessing why someone did something. All you know is that they did it. Don’t fill in the gaps with bad psychology or unfounded theories—it’s a waste of time and emotion. Instead, ask questions, learn, and listen.
Difference-Maker #2: Remember that everyone is carrying something.
Whatever you need or want will likely take a back seat—or at least not be at the same level of priority—to someone dealing with a challenge in their life. The answer isn’t to push harder or bulldoze through their frustration. It is to recognize what you didn’t know, give them some grace, and meet them where they are.
Difference-Maker #3: Make empathy part of your leadership.
One of the most significant ways you can differentiate yourself as a leader is by recognizing when someone needs empathy, even when it’s not convenient. That may affect the results you want right now, because those outcomes may not be as critical to others as they are to you. But you can help that person who’s struggling—maybe even say a prayer for them.
As Al Swenson said, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Understand that everyone is carrying something we may never see. The best leaders recognize this and shift their focus from the business goal to helping the individual. In the end, the leader may gain a more loyal soldier for the battles ahead. But even if they don’t, they’ve led with understanding. Because it is, after all, an imperfect world, but it’s all we’ve got.
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